| My friends are fabulous. |
[May. 26th, 2009|06:06 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  morose | ] |
First off, may I begin this entry by saying that if you consider me as a friend (past presently or maybe later) that probably means I consider you one as well. And with that said my friends, I love you. I will always be grateful for our paths crossing in this life. I appreciate each and everyone of you and wish my mother knew the value of having real friends. Maybe then she wouldn't feel the need to unload her bullshit to me because frankly I don't care (sometimes), you're my mother and I am not your friend. aargh. What a triple frustrating day this has become.
First off, I was already twisting my brain around how I was going to get my daughter to complete her try-its at her Brownie meeting tonight and play in her baseball game which occurred simultaneously. I emailed the troop leader and handled that situation so that the stress was relieved and the focus could be directed towards the game. (Because you know, p-nut league is some SERIOUS shit.) But then come noon time I don't have to worry about shuttling her anywhere - it's the school nurse and Caitlynn has a fever of 101.9. Wipe the calendar clean for today - we're staying in sick. Whew, maybe I could catch up on my lackage of sleep. NOT.
Long story short of the events that lead up to the heated conversation that took place, my mother lays it on me thick - summing my 28 and a half years of existence in this world to amount to my being a complete failure. Oh great, thanks mother for the undying support. Love you too! She blames my friends for taking all my time (cause I have NO say in how I spend my time, I am such a follower) as part of a malicious plan to bring me down so that they can rise to the top. Cause that's all friends are capable of and she doesn't trust any of my friends. That's fine mother, I like my friends, you don't have to. And it will be a life long failure that will never be erased that I didn't stay married to my baby's daddy. I probably would have died a long time ago literally and figuratively if I didn't make the decisions that I have in my life so far. I am thankful for the tumultuous times I have endured (and know are yet still to come) because the experiences and the healing have given me the strength I have today and the knowledge/experience to help others through. I really do want to reiterate a big fucking thank you to my mother (who I do love dearly) for bull-dozing the hope I had left and the faith I was hanging on to that was making me believe that I was making it through this life. I really don't blame her. The only thing worse than a daughter like me is having a son turn out like me. (Her words -kind of- exactly as they are translated.) Part of me knows that the real reasoning behind my mother not 'trusting' my friends is that she probably thinks they turned me down the wrong path. Wrong path meaning gay. As if it were a decision or a light switch that one can turn off or on. No mother, I am fully aware of the decisions I have made in my life and where they have taken me and where I am now. Do you hear me complaining? No. You're the only one who doesn't like my life. So eat shit. I do not remember a time when maintaining a hard work ethic and attaining a steadfast education weren't ingrained as priorities to accomplish in life. In doing so, both my sister and I have acquired minds of our own - with sparkling personalities to boot. But also in doing so, we have caught bad attitudes and are now disrespectful to our ever-sacrificing parental units. It's a never win ever at all situation. All in all, my mother gave me a big stamp of fail. I was so frustrated because here I was just thinking to myself in a pleasing manner of how I'm happy with my current status, recuperating from a devastating separation that took three lifetimes, loving the people in my life and finally ready to gather up my life, pick up and finally start taking steps forward. Which I still believe in myself. Just sucks that my mother through a big speed bump in my way. All because she's freaking out the my brother has a girlfriend now and he is going to end up like me. Which would be the worse thing in the world. Stop taking out your frustration on me. Yeah, a girl could only wish.
For a nanosecond I felt alone. By myself. Who could I cry to? Then I thought, do I even WANT to cry to anybody? Do I even want to CRY? Nah. Cause it's all relative. And it's too bad my relative says things to me that aren't relative. |
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| Hello happy days. . . |
[Mar. 9th, 2009|06:23 pm] |
Currently majorly obsessed with Stefani Germonatta. Waiting in anticipation for Friday's shenanigans with my fabulous party people. We are dressing up and staying out in LA so we will all be safe. I wanna roll with him, what a hard pair we will be. . . . For as much as I never listen to the radio, i am all up in the pop poop right now. Got the new Lily Allen album as well. I hope a feud between her and Katy Perry doesn't happen, I remember reading something online or in a magazine or someshit that was quoting Lily Allen on what revenge she would take blah blah blah blah
Haven't had internet at home in forever, but then i am never home anymore to use it, so who cares. I twitter mostly because i can send them via text and when i do go online it's usually through my BlackBerry. I guess it's pretty cool, i am actually out and about and living life instead of quarantining myself in my dark cave of a room and spending endless hours reading useless info that fills what remaining brain cells i have left.
Little things make me happy. I had Pho with my sister for lunch. Mimosas with KaDi after I picked her up from the airport upon her return from Florida. Sleeping in my bed (although i can pretty much sleep anywhere) Seeing the hawks perched up on the light poles that line the transition ramps of the freeways. Visits from friends that light up my day. Never directly answering questions from people who stare at me while i work behind the bar. haha
When did I start wearing make-up everyday? I remember when I prided myself on the fact that I can shit shower and go and be ready to do anything quick-style. Now I carry a make-up bag around and actually have to 'get ready' Ah well, it's fun. If i am tired and don't feel like doing it, i don't. I need new jeans.
I went to NY last weekend. Wish I was there again. The snow coming down was fabulous and it's not like i've never seen snow before but I felt like a little kid again giggling inside seeing actual snowflakes falling on me. I loved taking the subway everywhere - reminded me of when I backpacked through Europe back in 2002. Oh how I long to venture the world once more. I need to find me job that pays me to party. I'd be damn good at it and i'd blog about it and everything.
My daughter's girl scout troop leader volunteered some TMI to me when I was picking up the 169 boxes of politically correct girl scout cookies. She's mormon so there is no cussing and alcohol in her house where her oldest son is a homosexual. She shares this with me after I tell her that the secret to how many boxes Caitlynn sold can be attributed to the fact that I work at two different bars and that's where i was bringing everything to be delivered. HAHA How now brown chicken brown cow.
I wanna go to school. Not the kind my parents' want me to complete, haha. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 7th, 2008|09:06 pm] |
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I am a fucking fool. There are so many things bigger than this right now but it's still happening. My heart is crushed. My soul hurts. Fuck. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 1st, 2008|08:56 pm] |
i am covered in skin.
no one gets to come in. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 4th, 2008|10:25 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hungry | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Lily Allen | ] |
you should all TWITTER. |
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| DIRTY THIRTY |
[Mar. 23rd, 2008|12:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
So I am sitting in the kitchen at my sister n Jesse's house while he carries on with his to-do list for today. It's sooooooooo nice out today, the sun is warm, there is a slight breeze circulating through the house. I am still in my clothes from last night and my hair is filthy and I haven't washed my face. But I am loving life.
Last night was my sister's 30th birthday bash at their house. I FREAKING LOVE THEIR HOUSE. Total party pad, perfect for any occasion. Couples left and right, so precious :::BLEH::: She has some really amazing people for friends, I love them all. Seriously, I was the only single one there last night (well, aside from Roc - my former GM from Chili's - but he's single for life, he doesn't count LOL) and I didn't care. I really didn't even "feel" single cause it was just an amazing night. Reminiscing about life and our childhood memories. Even my mother was having a good time, watching her children party (even my brother was drinking margaritas!) and enjoying hearing everyone rave about her awesome cooking (she brought the pancit, oh YEAH!) Roc wants to get my mother drunk one day - party at their house so she can be comfortable in her own home. WTF Roc! That's my mother you're talking to!
It was really good to see the people who were there last night - funny how life flies by so quickly - some of these people I haven't seen in YEARS but stay updated on each other's lives through the grapevine...
Mandy and Ed - Last time I saw these two was at their wedding almost THREE years ago. (Which was another awesome boozefest - 13 hours of drinking I think?) Mandy was my manager during my stint at the Manhattan Beach Chili's (which opened almost 5 years ago) and she's now the GM at the Chili's in Downey. Her husband Ed Arburua is the most chill person ever (who still likes to party and take tequila shots with the gang haha) and it makes me really happy to see these two. Mandy was an integral part of my sister's decision to get into management and it's been a successful ride so far :)
Krista and Jimmy - This couple proves how small of a world we live in. (IT'S A SMALL WORLD, [[until you have to clean it!]]) Krista did her MIT training at the Chili's in Long Beach while I was doing my gig there. Kind of pissed me off mostly in the beginning but now she's amazing in my eyes. They transferred her to Manhattan Beach where she is currently working. (Chili's is just one big happy whore of a family.) The small world part is that her last name is Duvali - which isn't too common - so I asked her if she was related to a Jim Duvali who was the Store Manager for a craft store called Tall Mouse (my first job when I was the tender age of 16)
And I am going to finish this later, I've started drinking Canadian Molson with Jesse and we're talking about the wedding. I CANNOT WAIT!!!! And then I am off to the Norton Simon. .. hopefully. .,. . . |
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| ugh |
[Mar. 7th, 2008|02:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | hungry | ] |
I need to get organized again. My mind is everywhere, as are all my possessions. work school work school sleep drink work school that's all I do I am going to lose it. I need to clean my room. And do a lot of reading. What's with all this attention ? |
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| iTouch my new iPod iTouch that iHeart. HAHA |
[Jan. 10th, 2008|09:11 am] |
Here I am, in the bathroom with my iTouch iPod. The wonders of modern technologies. I am on the Internet on a splendiferous device that I keep tucked away in my wallet where, if I were to have money, it would be right next to. Tee her. I got HOOKED up phat as far as presents go for Christmas and my birthday. This little iPod iTouch being a tough competitor with my pretty new sleek red Olympus camera. I have to say iHeart this sleek new device, partly cause everyone thinks I am cool and have an iPhone when I pull it out, but then think I am even cooler cause I have something they do not know about. But I cannot deny my love for my camera because I now do not have to ninja steal my parents' camera when I have an event or outing to go to of Caitlynn's or of my own. I am my own private paparazzo! Pardon the oxymoron ;)
Okay time for me to wrap this up because I am still in the bathroom. Lmao! |
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| PHOE |
[Dec. 9th, 2007|02:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
i want to go see a movie called Juno. I just watched a couple more movies with my sister and Jesse last night after an early birthday dinner for me. Rescue Dawn (with Christian Bale, he's so awesome) and The Waitress (Keri Russell) Then I proceeded to pass out at her house on her couch (so UNLIKE me, huh! haha) and had a dream that I was pregnant and had to cutest baby girl ever - which did happen, 8 yrs ago HAHA but I was dreaming like I was Jenna (the waitress) What the crap haha.
This weekend has been a tumultuous one, but a very enjoyable one as well. I had Friday and Saturday off and did I happen to get my 4 page paper done? NOOO and now I have to go to work and get home tonight and try to cram it out before I fall asleep since it's due tomorrow morning. SLACKER SLACKER SLACKER
I just want to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Happy Kwanzchrismukah. |
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| December is for Cynics. |
[Nov. 28th, 2007|12:27 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | in my cold cold room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | I heart Tegan & Sara | ] |
I really should be working on an observation paper that is due tomorrow for my Anthropology class.
But before I do that I need to email my professor because I've been skipping class because I've been working way too much and am just plum tired all the time.
She also kind of scares me.
I need to catch up on my reading in my Comparative Literature class as well as start putting together my thoughts for the term paper due 12/5.
I shouldn't be working so much but how else am I supposed to earn money for bills and booze and babes (haha)
I cannot work the streets anymore (JK!) so I will just have to succumb to finding a sugar daddy (JK! JK!)
I need to buy toilet paper and dish soap and put away all my freshly laundered clothes.
I need to pay my storage facility before they auction off all my crap if they haven't done so already.
My car is filthy. I need to get it washed and vacuumed.
I want to color and cut my hair.
I am debating if I want to get my nails done. I often ponder this, but never do it.
I do need to remove this worn red polish that got ruined from helping out in the kitchen for Thanksgiving.
It is cold in my room, this leads me to believe that the heater is broken in here.
Our shower and sink also need some snakin' action.
This past weekend I watched National Treasure, The Reaping, Bobby, Shooter, Zodiac, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, and . HP The Goblet of Fire.
I also had some really satisfying sex which I forgot that I missed having since I wasn't having any for a while there.
I really want to see Enchanted, August Rush, Lars and the Real Girl and Battle Royale.
There is a cook at work who tells me "I'm missing you baby" cause I hardly (=do not) work lunch shifts anymore.
First off douchecock, I am NOT your baby. Crazy deluded fool.
I am barely home. I miss it.
I cannot find my earphones for my iPod. MANNAGGIA!
Caitlynn needs to visit the dentist.
I need to get my wisdom teeth pulled before my teeth go crooked.
I need to hang on, there is less than a month left until this semester is over.
I miss everyone who reads/has LJ!
Caitlynn is the best little (BIG!) girl I could ever imagine asking for.
She's a budding fashionista.
I wish I had more income to be able to afford a place where she could have her own room so we can do cool things with it.
Like build a fort.
That Sears commercial where the mom buys her daughter a whole new wardrobe because she's starting at a new school where she doesn't have to wear a uniform like the previous school makes me choke up and ache inside.
I haven't written in so long I didn't even know where to start so I decided to randomly spit out the thoughts that would land or allow me to catch them.
I still think I am not doing much with my two classes at CSULB, but dammit, it's about time I realized that my going BACK to a university after a 6 year hiatus is a BIG DAMN DEAL.
Let's hope I at least graduate WITH my brosef.
Andy is 19.
About to finish up his 3rd semester at CSULB.
He needs to get a job already.
My mother is having a hard time.
She's going through menopause.
She is fine one moment and thinks the world is closing in on her the next.
I feel bad I cannot take care of her and help her as much but dammit, she's ONLY 53, she's not old yet!
What the FUCK!?
I am going to be TWENTY SEVEN!?!?!?!?
And you all wonder what YOU'VE got to show for your age?
Don't stress about it.
You know there will be twists and turns and yields and merges and road closed take alternate routes up ahead.
At least you're aware that you want to do something.
Kudos ;)
I am proud that I have money for rent and it's the 28th.
Guess all those hours working paid off somehow.
They're letting me have more bar shifts.
We'll see how long that lasts before they throw me back into the kitchen.
At times I feel like I should find a job more meaningful.
But then I think again and realize where else am I going to find a place making the money that I do looking how I do?
(Piercings, tattoos, hair)
I need to remember that I am a 'student' again so I don't need a meaningful job right now.
I want to take a nap.
I am tired and sleepy because I worked the closing shift behind the bar last night and still had to get up and take Caitlynn to school this morning.
I drank a vanilla latte so I wouldn't doze off in class.
I am basically cracked out right now.
Cheryl-Lynn = not a caffeine drinker
Cheryl-Lynn + grande vanilla latte = qwerpoihgtuaifdkgjhalkdhjsfiuads
Hahah why do I do this to myself.
I laugh at myself.
I HEART TORTURE!!!!
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| all I have to say . . . |
[Oct. 14th, 2007|12:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | chillin in my bed | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | iTunes shuffle <3 | ] |
I opened up this Post an Entry page and intended to spill out about life in the past couple months, but then my iTunes started playing certain songs and now I just want to get lost in the music.
Just FYI, you peeps who actually still do this LJ, I miss you all and often reminisce about our times together. Holidays are fast approaching, maybe we can gather soon?
Time to daydream. |
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| Where did the summer go? |
[Aug. 16th, 2007|11:46 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | hungry | ] |
The time is dwindling down, and although I am looking forward to the beginning of the semester back at CSULB, I am not looking forward to what school being back in session entails. Caitlynn starts school before I do, August 30th. And all around this time period I will be *hopefully* moving into a new place, yet again. I didn't want to leave my house. But apparently the boys did. Holly is moving somewhere, who knows. But since she's getting out, the boys want me out to so they can convert this run down house into an even more run down house aka bachelor pad. I was pretty livid at first, but then figured this is better in the long run. They're messy, dirty and want to be able to bring random people home to a party house (that doesn't include a 7 year old) and they call me a control freak for locking my bedroom door (HELLO random people in my bedroom) and for always doing the dishes. I left a note a few months back asking them to at least not leave trash in the 'common living areas' which is basically just the living room/kitchen area. I couldn't care less about their bedrooms, I don't ever go in there. But C'MON there was trash on the COUCH. At least keep it on the coffee table if you're not going to put trash IN THE TRASH CAN! They put up sticky fly paper above the sink and the trash can. I was seriously like WTF if you took out the trash instead of piling it on top of the lid and put the dishes in the dishwasher instead of piling them up in the sink then MAYBE WE WOULDN'T HAVE FLIES TO TRAP WITH THE FLY PAPER!!!! See, now this is why I decided that maybe it is better that I'm working on getting out of here. There was just some shady shit going on and as always, I just prefer the truth, don't try to pull one over on me, because HELLO I am not brainless like all the other girls these boys like to keep in their company. Okay enough about that. I need to be patient for 3-5 business days. AARGH it's going to kill me.
It's okay, I had Subway for lunch.
More to come, I have a lot to spill out from my brain so that I can finally sleep at night instead of passing out boracha, haha.
Time for a picnic at the beach. |
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| Love more, Judge less. |
[Jul. 14th, 2007|05:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | chipper | ] |
So despite my slightly hopeless feelings due to recent events, LOTS of good things have been happening as well. I've been on a cloud, kind of floating, the past couple of days and when I look around it's still just me on said cloud. And that makes me feel good.
Going on a roadtrip biznatches! Totally scored with a friend who works for the Hyatt and is scoping out Frisco for school, so yeah, a tag-along road trip, but it will still be super awesome times regardless. Driving, dancing, drinking and fun, oh my! Not really in that order but oh I need a good quick get away. Have spirit, will travel ;) |
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| Later that day I got to thinking about relationships . .. |
[Jul. 12th, 2007|12:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | content | ] |
There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous. |
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| On a much lighter note |
[Jul. 12th, 2007|12:38 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  amused | ] |
Once upon a time, there were four people; Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.
Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.
So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place. |
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| 2007 has been a year of funerals and loss. |
[Jul. 11th, 2007|03:43 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | tired | ] |
It hurts to think that I listened so intently with my brain and trusted words so deeply with my heart only to be left desolate once again. Why do I love the way I do? Why am I still a fool who believes in an unquenchable passion and unconditional love? Every song, every daily task, every time of day reminds me of a life unknown however already lost. When did everyone stop believing? I have never faltered, just forced to suppress it all to cope with the pain and grief. Where does the love in a relationship go when it's over? There is no funeral where you can mourn the loss by believing they are finally at peace and in a better place. Where does the love go when you both still love each other, with all of your heart and soul. When you are the love of each others lives. WHERE DOES THE LOVE GO?!?! I want to scream I want to tear things apart I want to wreak havoc upon this tired soul but yet I sit here with conviction and let it seep out through my eyes. Call me delusional, or maybe even a masochist, but I still believe, and that will never halt. With great love comes great pain, and I would willingly do it all over again, because to me, it is all worth it. |
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| Now I've gone and done confused myself. |
[Jul. 8th, 2007|12:55 am] |
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I couldn't speak, for I just lay there, soaking it all in, enjoying every fleeting moment that I could because this time, I was determined to remember. I questioned nothing, felt everything. Thankful for every touch, kiss, caress, hug...I did not want the morning to come. Could we have not just laid like that forever? ::::SIGH:::: And so here I sit once again, alone with my thoughts, consuming me whole. |
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| POOF! You're a pimp! |
[Jul. 4th, 2007|10:58 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
If you're tired, you take a nappa, you don't move to Napa. Ah, this life. Only the greatest lows can bring you to the greatest highs. Like those little rubber bouncy balls we used to get out of the cheap twisty plastic machines that came in flimsy plastic containers. Such little treasures that we took for granted throughout our childhood. Everyone always wanted to bigger ball. Little did we know that we'd learn a lot about life from bouncing that ball. So small in size, yet packed with quite a bounce when enough force was put upon it. If you didn't control it just right, or hang on to it tight, it would find its way out of your hand, bounce erratically and uncontrollably to the point of which it's path was unknown to all who surrounded it, and all those who attempted to contain it. Give it a bounce with all your might and away it goes. Gently bounce it against the desktop carefully guarding it with the palm of your hands with your fingers forming a cage around it and it will never escape your grasp. Sometimes, no matter how much fun you've had keeping that ball all to yourself, you have to share. You have to let it go. You give it a tight squeeze, give it one last glance, a gentle stroke and you give it the biggest push of your whole life. Sad to see it go you stay where you are and let it go fulfill the path it was meant to, even if that means without you. Just know, just remember, when you least expect it, a little rubber ball will come bouncing back into your life. |
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